I have a lot of hair.
I was born with a lot of hair. I’ve always had a lot of hair. I know that I am lucky to have it. And for the most part, I love it.
If you’ve met me, you probably already knew that. But for those of you that don’t know about my hair, let me tell you a story.
My mother has a lot of hair. More hair than me. And her hair is huge. One time in the 80s, a Kirby vacuum salesman came to my parent’s house in an attempt to sell them a vacuum cleaner. He did a nice demo, vacuumed a small area in their living room, and then opened the vacuum bag to show them how excellent his product worked. I imagine his whole body filled with joy when he saw how much hair was inside the bag because it almost ensured my parents were going to be impressed. He joyously said, “Oh! I see you have a pet!” To which my father responded in true Jim Benagni fashion, “No. I have a wife.” And that is the story of how we ended up with a Kirby vacuum cleaner. I hope it also explains to you how much hair I inherited.
Not only do I have a lot of hair, but I have fairly long hair. My hair is long partly because I have a round face and a shorter haircut would only accentuate its roundness. Don’t argue with this statement. My middle name is Mariko, which in Japanese literally means “round manapua face.” But mostly, my hair is long because at least three times a week I pretend that I am Kim Kardashian. It’s a nice game. I have long, thick dark hair like hers. My skin tone matches hers. My butt isn’t small. I make the ugliest crying face imaginable. And I just walk around the house saying “Bible” and admiring myself in the mirror. Until Brock walks in the door and my whole fantasy comes crashing down around me because I realize that he, in fact, is not Kanye West. He doesn’t even look remotely like Kanye West. If anything, he looks like Scott Disick. And that would make me Kourtney Kardashian. And bible, that is literally so annoying.
Anyway, back to my hair. I like it. It’s long. Did you know that on average a person loses 80 hairs each day? That’s a fact. You could lose 80 hairs like my husband Brockye and not notice because your hair is so short. Or you could lose 80 fabulous, long, Kardashian hairs and constantly be pulling them out of your bra, or your underwear, or your husband’s underwear (true story).
But let me tell you a secret about pregnancy. One that I never knew because no one ever talks about it. But it is wonderful. During pregnancy you don’t lose any hair. NONE. Your hormones spike or some other scientific reason that I have failed to research, and you keep all your hair. Now if you’re an average person with average hair, this is pretty good news! Your hair gets thicker; 9 months x 30 days x 80 hairs per day thicker to be exact. You would probably feel like a Kardashian like I usually do. But if you’re me, and you already have Fay Benagni-Kardashian hair, you suddenly have mega-thick goddess hair. And that makes you better than a Kardashian. You should have seen the hair-flips and model poses going down in our house for those marvelous 9 months.
However, pregnancy didn’t last forever, and so unfortunately, neither did this superpower. The other thing they don’t tell you about pregnancy is that at 3 months post-partum, all your extra hair starts falling out. And it doesn’t fall out at the normal 80 hairs per day rate. You lose 400 hairs a day. FOUR HUNDRED HAIRS A DAY. And losing 400 Benagni-Kardashian hairs a day is the equivalent of losing one Snuffleupagus a day. So if you’re in the market for a homemade, organic muppet, give me a call.
The point of me telling you this is that soon I will be mostly bald with only memories of the time that I had better hair than Kim Kardashian. So, when you see me walking down the street looking like the Cynthia doll from the Rugrats, please be kind.
Brandi Elkins 